Now What?

When I arrived in this world 52 years ago, I became a daughter. Shortly thereafter, I became a sister. As I grew, I began to understand my familial roles extended to granddaughter, great-granddaughter, niece, cousin, and beyond. After a few years, my roles grew again as student and friend.

The learning and mentorship have never ceased, but my roles continue to shift as I step into new chapters. College made me a teacher. Marriage made me a wife. Then came my greatest role of all, Mother. Four children noisily embraced their childhoods and challenged me, and amidst the chaos, they grew up and started new chapters in their lives...until there was only one...and she too is on the cusp of a new chapter. My heart is struggling despite the awe I feel as they find their wings and soar.

Recently, I paused the teaching chapter in hopes of starting a new chapter. Should I start a bread bakery? Should I try freelance writing? Should I finish the biography I started so many years ago in California? Should I go back to school? Suddenly the blank pages feel overwhelming. Where I once looked ahead to the next page, I suddenly find myself pausing apprehensively.

It is easier to be given the new role. When my daughter asked me what I wanted my new grandchild to call me, I didn't know there were names that could be chosen for this new role, as I had only known grandma. Honestly, I didn't really care what he called me--he was precious. As he learned his roles, my name emerged as "Neena." I truly appreciate the help in naming this chapter--which I suspect will be filled with adventures and more grandchildren, as another has already arrived and she too holds a special place in my heart--which is large enough to hold many more, of this I am sure.

Why is it harder to be sure of the next career role? Why don't I just roll with it? 

(Yes, that was intentional, my son.)