29:30. The elliptical is my friend. 29:10. Friend. 28:50. Straining my friendship.
Then it has the audacity to scroll a message to me. “Keep up the pace.” Sheesh! I just dropped .3 miles per hour to breathe! Fine. “Good Work.” Ugh. This friendship is tough. Slowly the calories burned accumulate…very slowly. Killer pace and in 10 minutes I can barely work off that one delightful Lindt chocolate. And I only ate one, really!
Finally, resignation sets in and I head into the “zone,” where I just find the mindset to keep moving and focus on something else. Ironically, it has been the food network lately. Yeah, I have picked up all kinds of cool tips…and some that I simply can’t use in my new calorie conscious lifestyle, but that doesn’t stop me from taking notes on Guy’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives…like that little Italian bar in Pittsburgh with amazing Italian food. I have been dreaming about it for months, and today I decide that we should visit it on New Year’s Eve day. Never mind that the 400 cals I am burning will disappear before my meal even arrives!!
Now indulge my digression, please, as I head into the final "zone". My sweet little sister was chatting with me the other day when she was snowed in…until the phone went dead. In that conversation she commented that she couldn’t believe that mom and dad had a child who would be forty this year. Every quill in my sweet disposition bristled. First, I just turned 39 this year. Secondly, it isn’t next year yet. Give me a few more days. Thirdly, I still have seven more months to enjoy my thirties. Don’t hurry me. I want to savor this.
Finally, my grueling meeting with my “friend” ends. Exhausted and dripping sweat, I climb the stairs where Chayse greets me, “Mom, you need a shower.” Nothing like an honest four-year old.
Now after my conversation with my sister, Kiahra announced that it was my turn to register on the new Wii Fit. Reluctantly, I complied. I stood dutifully on the balance board and attempted to navigate their crazy requests. Initially, it informs me that my BMI is 23.something. Then it tells me that 22 is perfect. I celebrate. I am close! Yaahhhh…even though I am not entirely sure what it even stands for!
Next, it tells me my Wii age is 31…Did you read that Lisa…31! WoooHoooo! I am 31 and loving this Wii thing. Little victory dance in order…
Until it gives me my ideal weight which recommends a 10 pound weight loss. WHAT???!!! &*%$#$%^^&&*
I just spent the last six months dutifully counting calories, exercising regularly, and completely changing my diet. I have slowly, painfully watched the scale drop. A pound a week…then a half a pound…then a quarter…brutally slow. I thought I was almost there, or at least ready to call it quits and try out maintainance for a while…BUT now this thing tells me that I am not even close??? I lost 27 pounds and I still have 10 more to go? It might as well tell me I have 100. Never mind what I said about this crazy contraption. I don’t like it anymore.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Happy Holidays!
As Christmas eve drew nigh
Five children came close with a sigh
When from behind the camera Dad shouted, "Smile...more!"
Interrupting their visions of toys and gifts galore.
Wearily they smiled on
Dutifully Dad clicked on
Dashing into the photo with the timer on
When finally mother shouted in defeat, "Let's move on!"
Five children came close with a sigh
When from behind the camera Dad shouted, "Smile...more!"
Interrupting their visions of toys and gifts galore.
Wearily they smiled on
Dutifully Dad clicked on
Dashing into the photo with the timer on
When finally mother shouted in defeat, "Let's move on!"
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
All Ye Faithful
Since entering the blogging world, I appreciate each visit to my humble page. However, I have periodically received feedback that some of you are unable to post comments. Finally, despite my tendency to feel overwhelmed by the blog site (except when I am writing), I explored the settings more thoroughly and discovered how to change those pesky defaults with a mere click of a button--why was that so hard?? Perhaps I was just "blogged" down in the technical language!
Now ALL of my faithful followers may comment--though it would be nice if you add your name if you post anonymously...and I would love to hear from you...I think :)
Now ALL of my faithful followers may comment--though it would be nice if you add your name if you post anonymously...and I would love to hear from you...I think :)
Monday, December 21, 2009
Three days ago, we awoke to our first snowfall. It was a very fluffy, light snow, but it totalled four whole inches!! Unprecedented in my brief experience in Pittsburgh. I love snow. I love to see the countryside bathed in white, especially here with all the naked craggy black trees jutting into the landscape--it looks like the Legend of Sleepy Hollow.
I have waited a few days before sharing my excitement because the snow could just as easily disappear, but it is still here...and I am dreaming of a white Christmas.
My boys are dreaming of snowboarding.
Blueberry hill does offer magnificent, snowy fun on a quiet Sunday afternoon (since the Steelers were playing), though it is steep and long making one susceptible to a tumble or two, nonetheless, smiles emerge.
New snowboard skills this year...looking good, Ethan!
Air on the snowboard. Exhilarating.
Unless, one is the mother with heart suspended in mid-air. Thank goodness for a appreciative dad, who captured the glory of the moment.
Not to worry Mom, it was under control the whole time with a picture perfect landing.
No wonder I have to color my hair, Kade.
I have waited a few days before sharing my excitement because the snow could just as easily disappear, but it is still here...and I am dreaming of a white Christmas.
My boys are dreaming of snowboarding.
Blueberry hill does offer magnificent, snowy fun on a quiet Sunday afternoon (since the Steelers were playing), though it is steep and long making one susceptible to a tumble or two, nonetheless, smiles emerge.
New snowboard skills this year...looking good, Ethan!
Air on the snowboard. Exhilarating.
Unless, one is the mother with heart suspended in mid-air. Thank goodness for a appreciative dad, who captured the glory of the moment.
Not to worry Mom, it was under control the whole time with a picture perfect landing.
No wonder I have to color my hair, Kade.
Bovine Beauty
Lowing in the manager, I donned my humble costume for my role in the annual church Christmas play. Don't overlook my classy pearls...
My darling husband managed to capture many photos of me as a beautiful bovine. I am sure that after 17 years of marriage there is some poetic justice that is "udderly" irresistible.
My darling husband managed to capture many photos of me as a beautiful bovine. I am sure that after 17 years of marriage there is some poetic justice that is "udderly" irresistible.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Performances...One More
Music rings from all corners of my house. We even turned the formal dining room into a music room sporting a second piano, guitars, drums, a clarinet, an alto-sax, and a lonely little flute.
This time of year all those lessons and coerced practices culminate into performances. Band Concerts, piano recitals, and jam sessions...formal and informal. I love it!
Nikela played "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" on the piano during a Sunday afternoon performance last week where Aunt Kristi was on hand to admire her years of lessons. Then she played into the evening for us. I never grow weary of the sound... Sometimes on warm summer evenings with the doors and windows open the notes drift out into the neighborhood, and actually, sometimes the neighbors even have coffee on their decks on Saturday morning lingering, hoping to hear the melodious tone of the piano.
Last Thursday the winter band concert at the middle school continued our musical interlude. Nikela played the bass clarinet with the eighth grade band while Kiahra joined the sixth grade band with her alto-sax. As the music filled the auditorium, it never fails to bring back memories of my grandfather, who loved band music so much. He faithfully attended parades for his love of marching bands. He would strain to hear the first notes from down the street. Of course, we kids were only too willing to tag along for our share of the candy and fun! On cold winter nights when bands were safely indoors, he would pull out the old records and listen to his favorite bands. I remember marching around in beat to the music as a small child. The irony strikes me on this cool winter night that he would have been so proud and thrilled to enjoy this concert. In the great-grandchildren that never knew him, the music lives on.
Tonight Kade will take to the stage on the drums at his winter band concert at the elementary.
In the meantime, last week during Kade's guitar lesson, as he strummed the chords of "Jingle Bells", Chayse chimed in with the lyrics...her favorite. Her pink little cheeks glowing as her head bobs and body sways with the rhythm, and the enthusiastic "Hey!" that punctuates the end of the line...it is my personal favorite!
Friday Chayse sang her little "Otter Song" during her preschool performance. Proudly dressed in her new little red Christmas dress and topped off with her otter hat, she loved the stage! However, it was her persistence in seeking me out in the crowd that charmed me. As she came in the room, I saw her looking for me and when she saw me, she flashed me her most charming grin and then followed it up with her cute little hand signing "I love you." I had to navigate all the zealous parents for a few photos, and the results were disappointing, but I just settled in for a sweet performance and lots of love sent from my littlest bug. Those little eyes positively twinkled with anticipation. Luckily I sport the brightest coat in the room, so she never had to look too long to find me!
As the formal performances draw nigh this evening, I find myself hoping to find the kids gathered around and singing their favorite carols together in the days ahead...with adaptations, of course...and sporting their favorite red hats. They have occasionally done this throughout the season, and it warms my heart to hear their little voices fill the house. Laughter frequently rings throughout the house during these moments too, and I love it!
I treasure these moments more dearly...the spontaneity of life and all its imperfections.
This time of year all those lessons and coerced practices culminate into performances. Band Concerts, piano recitals, and jam sessions...formal and informal. I love it!
Nikela played "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" on the piano during a Sunday afternoon performance last week where Aunt Kristi was on hand to admire her years of lessons. Then she played into the evening for us. I never grow weary of the sound... Sometimes on warm summer evenings with the doors and windows open the notes drift out into the neighborhood, and actually, sometimes the neighbors even have coffee on their decks on Saturday morning lingering, hoping to hear the melodious tone of the piano.
Last Thursday the winter band concert at the middle school continued our musical interlude. Nikela played the bass clarinet with the eighth grade band while Kiahra joined the sixth grade band with her alto-sax. As the music filled the auditorium, it never fails to bring back memories of my grandfather, who loved band music so much. He faithfully attended parades for his love of marching bands. He would strain to hear the first notes from down the street. Of course, we kids were only too willing to tag along for our share of the candy and fun! On cold winter nights when bands were safely indoors, he would pull out the old records and listen to his favorite bands. I remember marching around in beat to the music as a small child. The irony strikes me on this cool winter night that he would have been so proud and thrilled to enjoy this concert. In the great-grandchildren that never knew him, the music lives on.
Tonight Kade will take to the stage on the drums at his winter band concert at the elementary.
In the meantime, last week during Kade's guitar lesson, as he strummed the chords of "Jingle Bells", Chayse chimed in with the lyrics...her favorite. Her pink little cheeks glowing as her head bobs and body sways with the rhythm, and the enthusiastic "Hey!" that punctuates the end of the line...it is my personal favorite!
Friday Chayse sang her little "Otter Song" during her preschool performance. Proudly dressed in her new little red Christmas dress and topped off with her otter hat, she loved the stage! However, it was her persistence in seeking me out in the crowd that charmed me. As she came in the room, I saw her looking for me and when she saw me, she flashed me her most charming grin and then followed it up with her cute little hand signing "I love you." I had to navigate all the zealous parents for a few photos, and the results were disappointing, but I just settled in for a sweet performance and lots of love sent from my littlest bug. Those little eyes positively twinkled with anticipation. Luckily I sport the brightest coat in the room, so she never had to look too long to find me!
As the formal performances draw nigh this evening, I find myself hoping to find the kids gathered around and singing their favorite carols together in the days ahead...with adaptations, of course...and sporting their favorite red hats. They have occasionally done this throughout the season, and it warms my heart to hear their little voices fill the house. Laughter frequently rings throughout the house during these moments too, and I love it!
I treasure these moments more dearly...the spontaneity of life and all its imperfections.
Nutcracker
Before the performance, Kiahra was surprised with a Nutcracker...all her own...to dance with.
Next, we let those curls out! Added make-up. Pulled on those new tights. Eased into the costume. Slipped on those friendly pink slippers.
Finally backstage, all the little girls gathered around to admire the new nutcracker and chat with Clara. I loved this moment though I wish I could have captured it before they notice me...
Moments before the curtains opened I captured this image of Clara whose composure does not reveal any hint of performance anxiety, though she was giddy with anticipation.
A managed to capture a few performance moments, though the lighting and movement made it very challenging.
A moment with her Nutcracker on pointe. His sequins sparkled in the lights of the stage.
The final bow...
Kiahra's graceful stage presence filled my heart with pride, as I watched my little girl dance.
Though for her, the most defining moment was after the performance when one of the little bon-bon girls sweetly presented her with a lovely bouquet of Christmas flowers and with a shy smile murmured, "You were wonderful, Clara."
Nutcracker Secret
A few years ago, a little boy was so shy that he would hide behind his mother's legs wherever they went...except in the vast outdoors.
This little boy tugged at his mother's heartstrings, even though she often wondered if he would ever let go.
Well, last Saturday night, I watched that little boy take the stage too. He was a very naughty party boy. He was attending the party scene in the Nutcracker, but with comrades he conspired to torment the maid, and as she was serving goodies to all the beautiful little girls, he stuck his foot out and with laughter watched as the treats took to the air and the maid took to the floor. In furor the maid chased the naughty boy around the stage before literally kicking him all the the way off stage. Granted he sneaked right back into the party with just as much mischief, though he steered clear of the maid this time...
Kade's acting ability was impressive. I could hardly believe my eyes. He kept character with ease, and so many people in the audience kindly stopped him afterwards to tell him how much they appreciated his performance. He loved it.
I loved it, too, despite the utter awe that the naughty little party goer was my son...well actually, the mischievousness or naughtiness wasn't that surprising, but his ability to perform in that role (which is far more challenging than it appears) was...amazing...surprising.
The magical evening watching two of my children tugged at my heartstrings...hard.
That little face peeking out from behind my legs...is gone...except in my heart where a mother keeps everything dear.
Next, we let those curls out! Added make-up. Pulled on those new tights. Eased into the costume. Slipped on those friendly pink slippers.
Finally backstage, all the little girls gathered around to admire the new nutcracker and chat with Clara. I loved this moment though I wish I could have captured it before they notice me...
Moments before the curtains opened I captured this image of Clara whose composure does not reveal any hint of performance anxiety, though she was giddy with anticipation.
A managed to capture a few performance moments, though the lighting and movement made it very challenging.
A moment with her Nutcracker on pointe. His sequins sparkled in the lights of the stage.
The final bow...
Kiahra's graceful stage presence filled my heart with pride, as I watched my little girl dance.
Though for her, the most defining moment was after the performance when one of the little bon-bon girls sweetly presented her with a lovely bouquet of Christmas flowers and with a shy smile murmured, "You were wonderful, Clara."
Nutcracker Secret
A few years ago, a little boy was so shy that he would hide behind his mother's legs wherever they went...except in the vast outdoors.
This little boy tugged at his mother's heartstrings, even though she often wondered if he would ever let go.
Well, last Saturday night, I watched that little boy take the stage too. He was a very naughty party boy. He was attending the party scene in the Nutcracker, but with comrades he conspired to torment the maid, and as she was serving goodies to all the beautiful little girls, he stuck his foot out and with laughter watched as the treats took to the air and the maid took to the floor. In furor the maid chased the naughty boy around the stage before literally kicking him all the the way off stage. Granted he sneaked right back into the party with just as much mischief, though he steered clear of the maid this time...
Kade's acting ability was impressive. I could hardly believe my eyes. He kept character with ease, and so many people in the audience kindly stopped him afterwards to tell him how much they appreciated his performance. He loved it.
I loved it, too, despite the utter awe that the naughty little party goer was my son...well actually, the mischievousness or naughtiness wasn't that surprising, but his ability to perform in that role (which is far more challenging than it appears) was...amazing...surprising.
The magical evening watching two of my children tugged at my heartstrings...hard.
That little face peeking out from behind my legs...is gone...except in my heart where a mother keeps everything dear.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Dance
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder...And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I hope you dance...I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance...I hope you dance."
Lee Ann Womack recorded this song several years ago with great success, and this morning some of the lines come back to me as I pause in remembrance of Karen. Karen was not afraid to dance. I loved that.
Today Kiahra will take the stage, and dance. Last night after rehearsal, she came home and sat patiently while her Aunt Kristi and I figured out how to make rag curls to ensure she had perfect ringlets for the performance. Though her faith in us may have wavered a bit during the process, today she is sporting a cute rag doll look with hope.
However, all our hearts are in Montana today, as Karen's family and friends bid their final farewell. Ours hearts ache, but we celebrate Karen's dance through life and her unwavering faith.
Though as I listen to the song again, my heart is squeezed tightly and a lump fills my throat. It hurts.
As I think of all the hearts that ache today, I hope you...Joe, Melissa, Billy, Charlie, Mandi, and Kelli pause to consider the dance Karen taught all of you.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance...Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance"
The ragged curls of grief may shake your faith and seem insurmountable mountains; however, I hope you (we) can sport the ragged curls with faith...knowing your wife and mother (friend) will forever guide your (our) hearts.
Tonight Kiahra will dance for Karen.
Lee Ann Womack recorded this song several years ago with great success, and this morning some of the lines come back to me as I pause in remembrance of Karen. Karen was not afraid to dance. I loved that.
Today Kiahra will take the stage, and dance. Last night after rehearsal, she came home and sat patiently while her Aunt Kristi and I figured out how to make rag curls to ensure she had perfect ringlets for the performance. Though her faith in us may have wavered a bit during the process, today she is sporting a cute rag doll look with hope.
However, all our hearts are in Montana today, as Karen's family and friends bid their final farewell. Ours hearts ache, but we celebrate Karen's dance through life and her unwavering faith.
Though as I listen to the song again, my heart is squeezed tightly and a lump fills my throat. It hurts.
As I think of all the hearts that ache today, I hope you...Joe, Melissa, Billy, Charlie, Mandi, and Kelli pause to consider the dance Karen taught all of you.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance...Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance"
The ragged curls of grief may shake your faith and seem insurmountable mountains; however, I hope you (we) can sport the ragged curls with faith...knowing your wife and mother (friend) will forever guide your (our) hearts.
Tonight Kiahra will dance for Karen.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
O Christmas Tree
A few years ago, our Christmas tree excursion included some special friends on a beautiful sunny day in the mountains. Our scouts led the way with a few helping hands.
These cute little faces helped us find the perfect tree.
A little fun ensued.
Sometimes with a little help...
Last year, as we adjusted to our new location, we found a little Christmas Tree farm on a quiet afternoon. The trees were beautiful. So this year we returned, on the busiest afternoon of the year. Perhaps those first snow flakes made it the perfect day to find a Christmas tree.
Our scouting group has grown a bit, even though Nikela wasn't with us, as we couldn't find a day with busy holiday schedules that allowed everyone to participate.
It was a serious job...
Though the perfect little spruce emerged cloaked in smiles.
Ron relinquished the saw to the little aforephotoed girl in the purple hat. 
The troops headed back to the barn.
Hot cider warmed spirits as the tree was wrapped and prepared for the trip home. (Imagine, Mike, you and Ron just sipping hot cider...)
All aboard!
It was a fun afternoon, but it certainly isn't Montana. On our way home we savored hot pizza instead of dining at the Road Kill Cafe in McLeod...well, like I said, "It just isn't quite Montana."
Monday, December 7, 2009
My Friend...
I met Karen at the pool. It was the summer of 2003. I introduced myself to her because I wanted Nikela to get involved with Girl Scouts and someone told me she was the one to talk to. Of course, Mandi and Nikela already knew each other…and Kelli and Kiahra would start school that fall together.
It was the start of a rich friendship. Those warm brown eyes and smile that so gently welcomed me during our first conversation together would become very familiar to me. Karen guided me into the world of Brownie Scouts. Patiently she would encourage me and guide me. Those first few meetings with all those little girls were a bit overwhelming, but nothing excited Karen too much. With five children of her own, she knew how to navigate kids.
I remember unloading those first Girl Scout cookie boxes into the dugout. I was intimidated, but Karen just tackled the job quietly, and we were finished in record time. I am not sure when we first had lunch together, but I think it may have been on this day. New to the community, Karen’s warmth was so refreshing.
We could…and did...talk for hours. We worried about our kids together. We laughed about life together. We shared stories about our families. We cried together. We shared our dreams and fears. We grew together…notice I did not say older, Karen :)
I remember the day when we went to Billings together for Brownie Scout business. Little Kade was with us, as I think we sneaked away when the rest of the kids were in school. When we were headed home, we were just past Park City and we had forgotten something…I can’t even remember the details, but with a sly grin you told Kade to hang on…and you slowed down as you took the suburban off-road through the median, and in the blink of an eye, we were headed back to Billings on a mission. Kade thought that was so funny! He giggled so hard, and he still remembers that day! He loved you. He loved to flirt shyly with you. And you would tease him back.
Life is not for the faint of heart, and you embraced life with courage and love. In your quiet humility was hidden your powerful strength, which showed me how to live…
Through the years, we didn’t even need words. Just seeing you across the room, I could see in your eyes the understanding and unspoken greeting. And you never failed to smile. I loved that smile.
This summer, it is so suiting that we talked in the park together, where it all started. In that time, the kids have grown so much…Kiahra and Kelli are no longer little kindergarten bugs…Mandy and Nikela are in the eighth grade already…Melissa and Billy graduated…Charlie started his senior year… The kids endured my English classroom good-naturedly after I returned to teaching. The girls moved between our households with ease…growing up together. Riding bikes, playing dolls, swimming…enjoying childhood. Then I moved away 18 months ago. You were so supportive and kind.
That same kindness was apparent in your motherhood. Melissa has your gentleness and patience. Billy has your great smile and easy-going nature. Charlie’s tenacity also belongs to you, as does Mandi’s sweet spirit and Kelli’s wit. All of the things I love about you are in your children. Your spirit lives strongly in your family.
Karen, you promised me that the pitter-patter of feet would subside…and as the feet started to leave your house, new feet joined mine. I remember when you first met Chayse. Your heart for children shone through. She loved you, too, as you quietly, playfully interacted with her and made her giggle.
Sometimes, I can’t believe I too am the mother of five children…and those ten little feet…aren’t really so little anymore. Though I know my courage to embrace more children came from you. My children are richer for their time spent with you, too.
I thought, though, that we would grow old together, and that in a few years we would sit down for a quiet cup of coffee and talk…and I would hear that rich laugh that I love so much…
I am struggling selfishly tonight as the salty tears sting my now raw cheeks….because the tears just won’t stop. I know in my heart you are resting peacefully…I know you would have wanted it this way…but I just am not quite ready to let you go…
Oh, I know you will be in my heart forever…I know that who I am today is because I knew you…I know I carry that with me each day…and I know I won’t ever let go of that because it has become part of me…and I have so many warm memories that keep me laughing through my tears…
But tonight I cry…tonight my heart aches…it is so tight that sometimes I can’t breathe…ironic, isn’t it?
As I sit here, 2,000 miles away worrying about your family…wishing I could see them…to see you in them…to share their pain…to try and figure out how to say good-bye gracefully under those big Montana skies.
It was the start of a rich friendship. Those warm brown eyes and smile that so gently welcomed me during our first conversation together would become very familiar to me. Karen guided me into the world of Brownie Scouts. Patiently she would encourage me and guide me. Those first few meetings with all those little girls were a bit overwhelming, but nothing excited Karen too much. With five children of her own, she knew how to navigate kids.
I remember unloading those first Girl Scout cookie boxes into the dugout. I was intimidated, but Karen just tackled the job quietly, and we were finished in record time. I am not sure when we first had lunch together, but I think it may have been on this day. New to the community, Karen’s warmth was so refreshing.
We could…and did...talk for hours. We worried about our kids together. We laughed about life together. We shared stories about our families. We cried together. We shared our dreams and fears. We grew together…notice I did not say older, Karen :)
I remember the day when we went to Billings together for Brownie Scout business. Little Kade was with us, as I think we sneaked away when the rest of the kids were in school. When we were headed home, we were just past Park City and we had forgotten something…I can’t even remember the details, but with a sly grin you told Kade to hang on…and you slowed down as you took the suburban off-road through the median, and in the blink of an eye, we were headed back to Billings on a mission. Kade thought that was so funny! He giggled so hard, and he still remembers that day! He loved you. He loved to flirt shyly with you. And you would tease him back.
Life is not for the faint of heart, and you embraced life with courage and love. In your quiet humility was hidden your powerful strength, which showed me how to live…
Through the years, we didn’t even need words. Just seeing you across the room, I could see in your eyes the understanding and unspoken greeting. And you never failed to smile. I loved that smile.
This summer, it is so suiting that we talked in the park together, where it all started. In that time, the kids have grown so much…Kiahra and Kelli are no longer little kindergarten bugs…Mandy and Nikela are in the eighth grade already…Melissa and Billy graduated…Charlie started his senior year… The kids endured my English classroom good-naturedly after I returned to teaching. The girls moved between our households with ease…growing up together. Riding bikes, playing dolls, swimming…enjoying childhood. Then I moved away 18 months ago. You were so supportive and kind.
That same kindness was apparent in your motherhood. Melissa has your gentleness and patience. Billy has your great smile and easy-going nature. Charlie’s tenacity also belongs to you, as does Mandi’s sweet spirit and Kelli’s wit. All of the things I love about you are in your children. Your spirit lives strongly in your family.
Karen, you promised me that the pitter-patter of feet would subside…and as the feet started to leave your house, new feet joined mine. I remember when you first met Chayse. Your heart for children shone through. She loved you, too, as you quietly, playfully interacted with her and made her giggle.
Sometimes, I can’t believe I too am the mother of five children…and those ten little feet…aren’t really so little anymore. Though I know my courage to embrace more children came from you. My children are richer for their time spent with you, too.
I thought, though, that we would grow old together, and that in a few years we would sit down for a quiet cup of coffee and talk…and I would hear that rich laugh that I love so much…
I am struggling selfishly tonight as the salty tears sting my now raw cheeks….because the tears just won’t stop. I know in my heart you are resting peacefully…I know you would have wanted it this way…but I just am not quite ready to let you go…
Oh, I know you will be in my heart forever…I know that who I am today is because I knew you…I know I carry that with me each day…and I know I won’t ever let go of that because it has become part of me…and I have so many warm memories that keep me laughing through my tears…
But tonight I cry…tonight my heart aches…it is so tight that sometimes I can’t breathe…ironic, isn’t it?
As I sit here, 2,000 miles away worrying about your family…wishing I could see them…to see you in them…to share their pain…to try and figure out how to say good-bye gracefully under those big Montana skies.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Patsy Cline
In my search for blue Christmas lights, I stopped at Trader Horn this morning. I did not find the cheap net lights, but as I headed out the door a display of CDs for one dollar stopped me. As I scanned the artists and titles, most of them unfamiliar, I stopped when I read, "Fingerprints." What are the chances? As I pulled it out, I found myself gazing at Patsy Cline. Well, for a dollar, I had to listen to her version of fingerprints, which I was sure would be more romantic than mine.
I popped her CD in before heading home, and as her distinctive voice filled the vehicle, I smiled. The lyrics unfolded as she mourned the loss of her lover who left fingerprints on her heart...fingerprints of sorrow. "As the teardrops start, I feel the fingerprints you left on my heart." As the familiar strains of "Walkin' After Midnight" followed, I drifted back, remembering Patsy Cline's voice emitting from Grandpa's record player. As a child, I recall not being particularly fond of her music, though I was fascinated by her voice. Strange how the years have slipped by and the familiar tone of her voice no longer annoys me, but instead comforts me and takes me back like a waltz to a little girl. A fingerprint on my heart.
Roots also drew me to another CD. It was titled Farmer's Daughter and when I flipped it over, I saw a song titled, "Prairie Sky." Never heard of this girl, but I was intrigued, so I grabbed it too. After travelling down memory lane with Patsy and arriving home, I plucked it into the CD player and skipped to the prairie song. The band started with the sounds of prairie wind, and a high whispery voice filled the room. "...nothing can move me like a prairie sky..it always feels like home...take a drive back to the memories that will never die...prairie sunsets...thundershowers...I can't believe how long its been...being here makes me feel like a kid again...take a drive back to the memories of a prairie child..." I am rolling down memory road again...gazing at Nikela's photo from yesterday...
Time to shift gears, as it is so easy to succumb to homesickness this time of year. I insert the beautifully packaged holiday CD by Scarlett Rivera. No idea who she is, but the well designed cover convinced me that I needed it. Well, that, and the price. I am always seeking good Christmas music...cheap. Anyway, I am now listening to it...and it is beautiful...quality...wordless...not sure...as I really like words (shocking, isn't it?)...perhaps I should have read the cover too?! Though as I think about it, it will be good for background music when we host a Christmas party at our home for Ron's co-workers. Actually, they have become our friends, as the nomadic nature of this job tends to encourage companionship amongst ourselves--particularly since so many people's homes are across oceans. The music is perfect, actually. Especially since it has 20 songs, it won't repeat too often :)
It is now time to face the music--LAUNDRY.
I popped her CD in before heading home, and as her distinctive voice filled the vehicle, I smiled. The lyrics unfolded as she mourned the loss of her lover who left fingerprints on her heart...fingerprints of sorrow. "As the teardrops start, I feel the fingerprints you left on my heart." As the familiar strains of "Walkin' After Midnight" followed, I drifted back, remembering Patsy Cline's voice emitting from Grandpa's record player. As a child, I recall not being particularly fond of her music, though I was fascinated by her voice. Strange how the years have slipped by and the familiar tone of her voice no longer annoys me, but instead comforts me and takes me back like a waltz to a little girl. A fingerprint on my heart.
Roots also drew me to another CD. It was titled Farmer's Daughter and when I flipped it over, I saw a song titled, "Prairie Sky." Never heard of this girl, but I was intrigued, so I grabbed it too. After travelling down memory lane with Patsy and arriving home, I plucked it into the CD player and skipped to the prairie song. The band started with the sounds of prairie wind, and a high whispery voice filled the room. "...nothing can move me like a prairie sky..it always feels like home...take a drive back to the memories that will never die...prairie sunsets...thundershowers...I can't believe how long its been...being here makes me feel like a kid again...take a drive back to the memories of a prairie child..." I am rolling down memory road again...gazing at Nikela's photo from yesterday...
Time to shift gears, as it is so easy to succumb to homesickness this time of year. I insert the beautifully packaged holiday CD by Scarlett Rivera. No idea who she is, but the well designed cover convinced me that I needed it. Well, that, and the price. I am always seeking good Christmas music...cheap. Anyway, I am now listening to it...and it is beautiful...quality...wordless...not sure...as I really like words (shocking, isn't it?)...perhaps I should have read the cover too?! Though as I think about it, it will be good for background music when we host a Christmas party at our home for Ron's co-workers. Actually, they have become our friends, as the nomadic nature of this job tends to encourage companionship amongst ourselves--particularly since so many people's homes are across oceans. The music is perfect, actually. Especially since it has 20 songs, it won't repeat too often :)
It is now time to face the music--LAUNDRY.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Deer Season
The ol' Ford came out of the garage for the occasion, waiting patiently to take the mighty hunters across the prairie.
Of course, the license plate says it all about the owner...
Nonetheless, a teenage daughter joins her father sporting her designer orange.
Dad and daughter roamed the prairie of my childhood together in search of deer. Each day brought a new adventure...and wind. Nikela arose at dawn without complaining and kept pace with her father, which is a feat in itself. So many lessons and moments in the prairie hills were shared throughout the long weekend including the patient ol' Ford enduring a new driver. On the last day a beautiful little buck would have made a perfect shot, but without the correct tag, Nikela could only admire him. In the end, my hunters returned home empty handed, but very happy. A teenage girl and her father navigating their first hunt together...hopefully a memory that will never fade.
However, not far away a mighty huntress, the little Greek goddess Artemis sports her diaper and pink coat as she stealthily pursues the game.
Of course, the license plate says it all about the owner...
Nonetheless, a teenage daughter joins her father sporting her designer orange.
Dad and daughter roamed the prairie of my childhood together in search of deer. Each day brought a new adventure...and wind. Nikela arose at dawn without complaining and kept pace with her father, which is a feat in itself. So many lessons and moments in the prairie hills were shared throughout the long weekend including the patient ol' Ford enduring a new driver. On the last day a beautiful little buck would have made a perfect shot, but without the correct tag, Nikela could only admire him. In the end, my hunters returned home empty handed, but very happy. A teenage girl and her father navigating their first hunt together...hopefully a memory that will never fade.
However, not far away a mighty huntress, the little Greek goddess Artemis sports her diaper and pink coat as she stealthily pursues the game.
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