Mum

Last spring, as I snuggled between my girls in the first row of the balcony overlooking the Broadway production, Billy Elliot, my heart was filled with anticipation for their first performance as we celebrated their birthdays. Nikela carefully studied the small glimpse she had into the orchestra pit, as she waited and observed the musicians warming up and identified all the instruments that would create the music of the evening. Her anticipation made me smile. Through her eyes I noticed new things. Kiahra's focus was on the stage, and her enthusiasm for the performance and I knew her dream of dancing on the big stage someday was unspoken this evening, but in her eyes I could see her dream.

Yesterday, as I was thinking about this evening, I popped in the Billy Elliot performance CD. I enjoy the entire CD, but the song, "The Letter" stayed with me all day...and night.

"The Letter" is a musical number that is based on a letter Billy's mother wrote to him for him to read when he is eighteen, but Billy has already opened it and holds it close to his heart. One night he shares this letter with his dance teacher, Mrs. Wilkinson. In her handwriting, his mum reveals she is sorry she missed his growing, his stomping and shouting, and telling him off. She assures him that she was always there and with him through everything. "Know that I will always be proud to have known you, proud you were mine...you must promise me this, in everything you do always be yourself, Billy, and you always will be true."

The voices of Mrs. Wilkinson, his dead mum, and Billy sing this number. The poignancy made my heart tight and watching the young Billy at age 11 sing his mother's words, the tears streamed silently down my face, I felt his mother's words in my heart. When the number is finished, Mrs. Wilkinson comments with tears in her eyes, she must have been a really special woman.

Billy replies in his lilting British accent, "She was just my mum."

The honest voice of a child with love in his heart, but the reality in his mind is powerful. Billy knew his mom was special to him, but she was just his mum. This line gives me chills. I love it. To be a mum to a child is a great gift, and though I am acutely aware that uncertainty fills my role in what the future will hold, I cherish the knowledge that Billy matter-of-factly felt his mother's presence in his heart.

Motherhood is bittersweet with the challenges of navigating a child's perspective and behavior, and as a result, I enjoy the sentiment of the words of Billy's mother, as she misses the stomping and telling him off, too which part of being a "real mum."

Seldom a day passes that I don't think of the recent loss of my friend and my grandmother...and I think that their greatest roles were "just being a mum." Humbly they lived, not with greatness, but with the humility and love of a mother. They were special to me. I know they are always with me in my heart, and I carry them as closely as Billy does his.

Someday I hope that I will "just be a mum."