Heartfelt Hurt

Yesterday, Chayse and I went to lunch. She loves sushi, too! We enjoyed our quiet time together...well, it wasn't exactly quiet as she chattered away! Then as we headed home, the shopping center beckoned us forth. Without hesitation, we fell under the spell. Together we explored and shopped and tried things on.

Chayse loved it. Her enthusiasm and patience for a five year old are amazing!

However, at one point, she turned to me and said, "Mommy, this foot just doesn't work like my other one."

Instantly the tears well up and my throat swells shut. Wordlessly, I watch her as she continues as she flexes her foot, trying not to betray my emotions. This is the second time she has made this comment. The first was matter-of-factly with the physical therapist.

"I don't know why. It is so hard to go down the stairs and hop like Mrs. R asked me too. I try though, Mom."

I still can't speak, so I smile. Eventually I find my voice and encourage her willingness to work hard.

She drifts to another topic.

My heart hurts. We never discuss her feet. She does not know why one doesn't work the same...but I do. Someday we will have to tell her. I have thought about that day for years. I know when we tell her, the story will hurt too. I worry. Intuitively, she has known for a long time that one foot doesn't work as well as the other. Though the anger left me long ago, the devastation that it didn't need to be like this fills me with irrevocable sadness.

Often I worry that her foot hurts too. I suspect it does. She never complains.

I love her tenacity...well, most of the time! Her spirit is strong. She embraces life full force. I hope we can sustain her courage and passion through the anger that may come as the reality unfolds.